Monday, 20 March 2023
What do I need to know about you to understand who you are? What has happened in your life that has made you the way you are today?
These are deep questions to start with. For me, the answer lies in an extraordinary circumstance - the Syrian war - and the circumstances of my upbringing. My hometown Aleppo is known for its firm society environment, I was surrounded by dominant ways of thinking from traditions and community norms that felt very restricting. Since I was little, I yearned to be liberated from this dominant indoctrination.
What kind of dominant restrictions did you hate the most as a child?
Aleppo is considered a conservative society. Some people tend to be strict with religious norms and misuse them, which can impose on someone's freedom. In Aleppo, the religious man is idealized with the mentality: "Because the religious man fears God, he is a good man." However, this is not always the case. I have seen many men saying, "...we would like women to obey, we would like women to do this and that...", which is a wrong interpretation of religion. My sister, who is six years older than me, has a man like that, and when I saw the consequences she was facing, I decided that I never want that for myself. That is how my feminist side awakened.
I understood that you saw your sister getting married to a religious man who used religion to control her and take away her power, which is a common trait in patriarchal religious organizations. Is that correct?
Yes, that is correct. My sister is religious herself, but the man she married used religion as an excuse to behave in a certain way. I do not blame religion, but at the same time, this kind of abusive practice from religious followers drove me away it.
This experience awoke your feminist position. Can you tell me about an experience from your life where your feminist attitude made you stronger or brought you hardship?
As a kid, I was encouraged to finish my university studies so that if things got heavy in my later life with my husband, I could be independent. In this context, I understood very early that women in general are not taken seriously and that they are looked down upon, have to listen to their men, and obey... When my mom or my aunt said to me: “Go study cause one day you might end up with an abusive man who will beat you. There will be no parents to save you.” I asked myself why I have to depend on my diploma to get out of an abusive relationship. As a kid, I realized I do not want to be with an abusive man, and I do not want to be a person dependent on a diploma to get out of a bad relationship.
I can give you another example. I literally never talked to a boy until I was 18 years old in college. I was not allowed to be in a mixed environment in primary school. Upon entering college, I was warned that I should not talk to boys, I should not hang out with guys, cause this would affect my reputation. So I did the opposite. I hung out only with guys. I found a group, and I was the only girl in the group. Many people thought I was sleeping with them and called me a bitch and a whore, but I did not care what they thought because I knew what I was doing.
I imagine it looked really strange to see a group of just guys and one girl in Aleppo? By the way, this is completely normal in Europe. How did you feel with them?"
I felt safe because they were kind and nice people. One of them is my husband now. This is why I could find my “perfect” man, at least, this is what I think, because we share the same view, we have the same opinion about things. I asked him once if it bothered him that I hung out with so many guys. He replied: “Just do your thing, I also wanna feel free to talk to other girls.” So I said to myself, “That's my guy!"
This all started when you turned 18 years old?
Yes, I realized at that age that I can protect myself. If some guy is gonna try to do something abusive to me, I am not gonna shut up and be quiet and be scared or shy. Someone needs to stand up.
You felt that you were the one who is gonna speak up if something happened to you?
Thankfully, I was blessed with really kind friends. With my first boyfriend, we remained friends after breaking up, and he actually introduced me to my husband. This is what I mean when I say that I was blessed.
In your childhood, for so many years, you were influenced by toxic patriarchal mentality coming mostly from your mom, your aunt, and the marriage of your sister. Then you found your husband, who is somebody completely different. How did you manage to do this step out of your childhood mentality?
There was a lot of curiosity. I was really curious in general. One time my sister told me something that made me angry: 'Guys can do whatever they want. No one is gonna shame them. Girls are gonna be shamed.' I became angry and promised myself I am not gonna let them shame me, even though I started hanging out with guys only in my late teenager years. Of course, my sister disapproved and others too. But I am happy with my reactions to those circumstances at that time because that made me who I am today.
Was there someone in your life who influenced you or was it something else that made you react so strongly against toxic social norms?
In my environment, there were few adventurous people like me. I witnessed my sister's search for relationship looking for prince charming and a good-hearted religious man simultaneously, but it didn't turn out that way.
At 27 years old, what is your definition of love, Sidra?
Love, for me, is a fuzzy feeling in my heart. It's when I see something super nice, cute, and adorable, and I don't know how to express my emotions, so I want to bite it. This is called "cuteness aggression" (laughs).
So love is cute aggression?
Yes, but in a nice way. It's an overwhelming feeling that I don't know how to express, which is why I resort to biting.
How do you think your answer relates to passion?
It makes sense because it comes from the desire for connection and to be with someone. In my relationships, I am very physical, particularly when it comes to hugging. The cute aggression I described earlier is a feeling that starts in my heart and eventually leads to my jaw (laughs).
There must have been somebody in your family that was very loving to you. Who was this?
It was my dad. I have a perfect relationship with him. He is a very loving person. His parents died at an early age, so he was an orphan for some time. He is very emotional and very open. Usually in Syria, fathers are the strict ones, and mothers are their daughters' best friends. In my family, it was the opposite. My dad would put a movie on TV, and I would cuddle with him.
You have two sisters, one 6 years older and one 12 years younger. Does your dad cuddle all three of you?
Yes, he does. But everybody says I am my dad’s favourite. He used to take me with him to work, he used to take me everywhere. Other people were asking aloud why my father liked me so much. But he, at the same time, gave a lot of love and affection to all three of us.
You left Syria six years ago. How did your dad react?
It was hard for him. I told him I had a boyfriend who wants to travel, and I said I wanted to travel with him. He supported me in my decision, but it was hard for him. He went back to smoking, got depressed for a couple of months. My sister said there was a funeral mood in the house when I left. I called my parents every single day. What also emerged in those months was the fact that he always inspired me to be independent and look forward in my life. When I was small, he always showed me strong feminist role models, and I believe my appreciation for feminism grew from there. We used to play the video game Tomb Raider by Lara Croft, and he used to say: “See how strong she is, see how powerful she is, you have to be like her.” In a sense, his empowering me turned on him in the moment I left.
He could never imagine that this would turn against him, I believe. How is your relationship with him now?
It is much better now. It is a very difficult period right now for my family. At the same time, they are together supporting each other, which is beautiful. At the end of July, I am visiting them, and my dad said he is gonna put mattresses in the living room so that we all sleep together. He added: “First, I am gonna sleep next to you, and then your mom and then your sisters.” This tells me how much they miss me and that they are accepting my way of life.
You mentioned during our conversation that you feel survivor's guilt. Can you elaborate on that for me?
I feel guilty that I was able to escape the war, while my family is still living in a war zone. I feel like I couldn't save them, and it's unfair that they don't have access to basic human rights. Even though I have a good life now in the Netherlands, this feeling lingers within me, and I often prevent myself from enjoying my experiences. It's been six years since I arrived here, and it took me some time to realize the impact the war had on me and how it's affecting my relationship with my family.
Did someone in your family make you feel guilty?
No, it's something that I've been struggling with internally.
Do you want to get rid of this feeling?
Yes, definitely. However, it's been difficult to shake off, and it's a persistent feeling that won't go away. When I'm out enjoying myself, the thought that my family is still suffering comes back to haunt me.
What would happen if you were able to let go of this guilt?
I would be able to enjoy my life more. But at the same time, I worry that without this feeling, I won't be as empathetic and giving as I am now. I've also experienced a period where I distanced myself from my family, particularly my older sister, and I felt guilty about that too. It's been a heavy burden for me to carry.
Do you think you could give more to your sister if you were able to let go of this guilt and focus on what she needs?
Yes, I believe I could give more, and it would make me happier to do so. Giving to others brings me a sense of calm. I'm currently trying to rewire my brain to focus on the positive aspects of my ability to help, rather than feeling guilty.
Have your parents ever expressed pride in you?
Yes, my dad is particularly proud of me. My relationship with my mother has been strained, but it has improved since I left home.
After you left, your mother began to see how strong of a person you are for taking those difficult steps in life, especially at such a young age of 20.
I was just entering young adulthood.
When did your dad say he was proud of you?
He would say it when I did well on exams, for example. Recently, he has been comparing me to my older sister, who is getting divorced, and saying how proud he is of me because I have never caused him any trouble. He also said he is proud of the person I've become. I miss my dad; I can't imagine my life without him.
He gave you so much.
Yes, he did. But he's becoming more strict with my younger sister now. I understand that it's coming from a place of love, though.
How did the war affect your family?
The war has been going on for so long that I can barely remember life before it. I remember when I was fourteen, my little sister was a baby and my older sister was not married yet. The war hadn't started yet, and we were a happy, normal family. I think that was the happiest time in my life. The war had the most effect on my mom. She's a sensitive person, and the sound of bombs scared her easily. She lost a lot of weight, and people thought she had cancer, but she didn't. She started hearing sounds that weren't there. I don't know if this was PTSD, but she started getting more anxious and angry. At times, she would get mad at the rest of us, telling us to be quiet and listen to what was happening outside. She got better eventually when the war calmed down a bit. But now, with the earthquake, she's gone back to step one. She passed out during the earthquake, even though our house wasn't affected. She's been sleeping in the car for a whole week because she's so scared.
At one point, you decided to leave Syria and take your life into your own hands. You decided for yourself. What does it mean to you to be a strong woman?
It's a broad concept that can be summarized by the possibility of having control over my own life. It means being able to make my own choices and break free from whatever is making me unhappy. Being a strong woman means to me taking the right to be who you truly are. This is fundamental, but not many people have this right. My older sister, for example, does not have the right to be who she truly is. But everything has its price. In my case, I feel a bit burned out from all the issues that have been happening. In general, I have issues with being motivated and feeling alive. I've been working non-stop for six years. I want to keep going despite all the challenges, solve my own problems, and help save my older sister, and I don't care what it takes. I'm happy that I'll go visit my family and be there for her. I might not be able to do everything, but I can try and spread awareness about women's rights and feminism for those who need it. I don't care if I'll be viewed as a hated person or someone who has been influenced by European standards. I've always spoken my mind. The point is to stand up for one's rights.
After our photo session, you expressed that you felt unsure about how well you did. Can you explain why you felt that way?
Initially, I lacked modeling experience and felt more comfortable sticking to what I knew. I tend to avoid experimentation, and I didn't want to disappoint you as the photographer. My goal was to give you what you wanted, but I wasn't sure how to achieve that. I wanted to understand and bring your vision to life, but I felt like I didn't quite achieve it. So in the end, I wasn't sure if I delivered what you were looking for, and that's why I felt uncertain about my performance. I wanted to give back as much as I could, given the time and effort you put into your work.
I want to say that I think you did a fantastic job during our session. You were able to convey different moods, emotions, and poses with ease, while still taking my direction and making it your own. I think we worked together seamlessly, and the end results were truly stunning.
The photos turned out even better than I expected, and I can see myself maturing as a woman in them. It's amazing how they capture different aspects of my journey and make me feel comfortable and secure in my own skin. I can see myself as a woman.
It's touching to know that you feel emotional when looking at the photos. Can you tell me what specifically makes you feel that way?
When I look at these photos, I see how far I've come. It's hard to acknowledge my own growth and accomplishments, but seeing them captured so beautifully makes me feel proud of myself. I feel weird complimenting myself, but the pictures truly are amazing.
You should definitely compliment yourself more often. You're a beautiful woman, and you've achieved so much despite the challenges you've faced. Your story is inspiring, and I'm honored to have been a part of capturing it through my photography.
During our session, I remember saying things like "Sidra, feel the world, you're going to conquer it, remember your journey, think about being determined."You are good at reading people, it is quite impressive. Your words really resonated with me during the session. You have a talent for understanding people and their stories, and I felt like you were able to bring out something in me that I didn't even know was there. You are a very emotionaly intelligent person. It takes a lot of emotional inteligence to think that way and not many people have that. I am really glad that I met you.
I'm touched by your kind words. I think emotional intelligence is important in photography because it allows you to connect with your subjects on a deeper level. I'm glad that we were able to work together in this way. Lastly, if you had the chance to share a message with everyone in the world right now, what would it be?
I would whisper to everyone to be kind to one another, stay true to yourself, and never give up on your dreams.