“I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.” Neil Gaiman
Amy makes clothes with iconic patches and rebellious sayings screaming out the inadequacy of the unbearable heaviness facing youngsters - confronted with the parental dog eat dog mentality of growing up. Ajda is the smaller one, a talkative youngster with a desire of feeling safe and appreciated for what she truly is - an attentive and sensitive girl growing up to be a woman. The fotoshoot was one of the most intense and intimate ones I have had. There was a lot of value and quality that the two youngsters showed. Respekt!
Friday, 13 January 2023
Interview with Ajda
Ajda, from your years when you were growing up, what were the events that formed you? What do I need to know about you to understand you?
Fuck, the first question and already ... uh. One of the things that shaped me the most was having a twin sister Aneja. It means that I was never alone, there was always someone by my side who looked like me, acted like me, and is the same age as me. There was always a little competition between us for parental attention. This parental attention at some point in my life was gone.
What does it mean when you say that at some point the attention of the parents was no longer there?
My parents are good people, but disastrous parents. They say they are good parents, I absolutely do not agree with that. My parents know how to work with other people, they both have jobs where they work with people. However, there is no way they could pass on their ability to communicate with others to their children - to me and my sister. They entrusted me with the care of my sister. It was always up to me to make sister Aneja wake up, get dressed ...
Is sister Aneja younger or older than you?
Aneja was born after me, she is my younger twin sister.
In order to understand you, I need to know that you grew up with Aneja and that at some point there was no more attention from your parents?
In fact, there was less and less attention because attention was conditioned by success in school. There was big disapproval with my grades.
When did you feel that your parents' attention started to decrease in your direction?
Some ten years ago, when I was nine or ten years old... when I was in the fifth grade. We started getting grades in school and my parents put expectations on me that I had to study, I had to get good grades, I had to have a good life... blah, blah, blah. That's when I took over their game, their mindset: I have to be nice, hard-working, I have to be pleasing so that people will accept me.
Parents like to do this to protect themselves and their role as parents. How much do school grades mean to you today?
Grades mean nothing to me these days. One, two, three, four don't say anything about my knowledge. I can memorize everything I need to know. But if I don't understand it, I ask myself, what good does it do me in my future life? Absolutely nothing!
What does the school you attend mean to you if your school grades don't mean much to you?
The school I attend doesn't mean much to me either. School is just an obstacle that I have to overcome so that I can start to "live" (shows quotation marks with hands) according to the standards of others. It is more difficult to move through life without school. I intend to finish school, but I think that even if I didn't go to school, it wouldn't hurt me.
What does “living" (I show quotation marks with hands) mean to you?
This means that you maintain your bodily functions. You eat, you breathe.
How do you want to live for real?
You never know what life will bring you. A year ago, I could not have imagined that I would now be sitting here in this chair and having an interview. Over time, I realized that decisions that are planned for the future, can change at any moment. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Living day by day isn't the best, but sometimes it's the only option you have. I don't know, I can't answer your question. For myself, I can say that I am alive, but I don't have the feeling that I am really living. I am in surviving mode now. But I want one day to really live in a quality-ish way, outside the boundaries of this fucking system in which we live. If I were to ask people who know me, they would say that I fell into certain groups of people who made me worse, changed me, that before I was on the right path to a successful life, but I neglected the possibility...
How much do you care what others say?
Honestly absolutely nothing. Let them think what they want. If they want to express their thoughts about me, that's fine with me. If they don't want to listen to my arguments, I tell myself that they are pussies and I add to that: you can't always be right with everyone.
Let's say that whatever you decided to do in your future, you could not fail. What would you decide to accomplish?
Fuck, that's quite a question. I would definitely drop out of school. Tomorrow! I would travel to see what is happening outside the borders of our beautiful country and continent. What would I do? Hm!? That's a big question! I can't give you an exact answer. I would probably change many things if I knew that I would not fail.
Ajda, if you were to look inside yourself, what are you afraid of?
A future that brings something I don't know what it is. At the same time, every decision I make can drastically affect all subsequent decisions, but I cannot be aware of this at this moment. I am also afraid of impermanence … of being a small person in this world and that my existence will not have much impact. I wonder what I can do in order to contribute with my existence to something.
Is it your desire to give something to the world? To help with something?
Definitely. How this will happen I do not know. It is not important for me to be a well-known personality and for people to remember me. But I wanna give.
Do you feel good when you give something to someone and do something for someone?
Yes, but not only in the material sense. When I'm talking to someone for example and I contribute through the conversation to rethink about the matter that it’s being discussed … and this conversation affects the view and the decision that my interlocutor makes for himself in the future. We are a mosaic of all our previous decisions and words that people have told us. If I can help someone discover something they're interested in or improve anything, that's a big deal to me.
Does that give you meaning in your life?
Yes.
Ajda, what is love for you?
These are some big questions now?!
That's right, you're on my website, you're not on the local news.
Hahahaha. Okay! What is love to me? Um. Love is when you share some deep connection with your fellow human being, deep trust, when you can say what you think and want, and you are not rejected, but you are heard... you feel accepted. Love is when you can do literally anything and you will not be devalued - you are accepted for who you are. When there is no expectation for you to change just because you don't fit some standard. When there is no expectation to look the way you should look or the way people expect you to look. That is love.
Nice! What message would you give to the whole world if everyone could hear you right now?
People should fight for what they think is right. They should insist on what is right. Although the world seems complicated, things can be changed and there is still hope for a better tomorrow and a better future. Don't give up! With the help of people standing by you, many things can be done, even if you think they are not feasible.
Tuesday, January 24, 2023
Interview with Amy
Amy, what drives you in life? What is your drive?
I am driven by art. Primary writing and music.
Have you created any musical compositions?
I have several music tracks on youtube. I was part of a collective.
When we met, you asked me to address you in the female gender. When did you come to these realizations about yourself?
A lot of my peers go into it. For me, it was a moment at the end of kindergarten and the beginning of elementary school - when I was six years old. Even then I had the feeling that I was not a guy. It all escalated to the ninth grade of elementary school. In my freshman year of high school, I learned the word transgender and understood that there are many more people who feel the same way as me. Since then, I have identified myself this way.
What kind of place is Slovenia for someone who is trans?
To me, being transgender is the least personal characteristic that is against the existing system and society.
If I understand you correctly, you are talking about a system that tries to put you in a box? What other characteristics do you see in yourself?
Personally, I am anti-capitalist and anti-religious. I am of Marxist ideology and hard line anti religious. Here I see myself as an outsider more than being transgender. Being transgender in Slovenia depends on the people I have around me. Sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes it's not. Over time, because I step outside the allowed system a lot, I learned to accept myself without major problems.
How early did you realize the rebellious spirit in you that doesn't care much about what other people think of you?
Already very early. There wasn't a specific moment or year that I can remember when I decided that I didn't give a damn about what other people thought. I've always been like this, it's my character that hasn't evolved over time. I think I've always been like that.
Many people in Slovenia are anti-capitalists because our collective past is socialist. My generation and those older than me experienced comfort in Yugoslavia and understand the difference with today's impersonal system. Many people in Slovenia are atheists when we talk about religion. In this context, there are not many people who are transgender in Slovenia. How do you view this and your role in society?
You cannot be transgender and not fall into the group of people who are against the Catholic religion. The Catholic religion is the majority religion in Slovenia and the primary world, which justifies discrimination against trans and same-sex people. Exactly as it has done in the past against other religions and races. Anyone who is LGBTQ knows that the Catholic Church is their enemy and does not support them. My personal attitude against religion is not only directed at the realization that the church is fascist and non-progressive. For me, religion per se is objectively wrong. To me, it is objectively wrong. Religion should not have control in politics and civil society.
Your view is very radical.
I am very radical in my views. Personally, I pay more attention to religion than to the fact that I am transgender in Slovenia.
The Catholic Church has a lot of power and makes a lot of decisions about the governance of civil society today, and it made even more decisions in the past. So I kind of understand what you're saying. Let's go back to your personal story. At some point, your parents had to see who you were. Your internal discovery that you are trans required them to look at you differently. How did the parents react?
Nothing has changed in time from my childhood to today.
This is not easy!
I didn't grow up with them all the time. When I was four, my parents divorced. We lived together until my fourth year. Then I grew up with my uncle until I was fourteen. My uncle had to go to prison when I was fourteen, I grew up with my aunt until I was sixteen. From that year on, I was once again entrusted to the custody of my father.
How do you get along with your father now? How about mom?
Fine. It is not very bad, it is not very good.
Do you feel that your parents accept you or do they live in their own worlds and do not accept you?
Mom doesn't care. I don't know about my father. Honestly, I do not give a fuck. Their opinion has no effect on me.
How old are you?
Twenty one.
You are faced with the challenge of organizing your life and finding something that you will be happy to do and from which you will also live. Is that right?
I won't be able to make a living doing what I want to do in life.
What is it?
It's primarily music. You can't make a living from good music, because society is directed at rejecting everything that is different from the established mainstream. You can't live off good music, you can only live off bad one. In addition, I write a lot, I am also writing a book. But I have no hope that my book will be successful and that I can make a living from writing.
As long as you are on this path, will you be hungry and poor with a side job like many artists?
It's always been like that with me. I don't care about material goods. I give a damn about money, what I have and what I don't have. My world is in my head. I don't mind being poor. It is the way it is. I've come to terms with that.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I have no idea. And I'm not speculating about it either, because I think it's irrelevant.
If I offered you the chance for the whole world to hear you, what would you say to the world?
I wouldn't say a single word but I would listen to what they have to say. Which is something that nobody does.
It's a Marilyn Manson quote! Good quote to wrap up!
Exactly!
